the iron trail

Love at second sight

2011-11-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

The good thing about life? You never know what's gonna happen next. One moment you're in a rut. And three hours later you feel like you've just won the lotto!

I have a new toy, a new baby. And it was meant to be.

Aaaahhhh. I'm so happy. I want to spike a ball! Whhooo!

Loser

2011-11-19T19:38:00.005+08:00

I don't think about it anymore. But when I do, like right now, I do play rewind and ask why. With no feeling, or emotion, but a curious desire to understand why. But not getting the answers is fine. Not being able to understand is okay.

Looking back and remembering, I didn't stand a chance. Distance and a whole brood with the same surname were my rivals. Maybe that's why I didn't fight anymore. I didn't stand up to them. Sa kanila naman daw yun eh. Huli na ako pumasok sa eksena. Sino ba naman ako?

So before, I used to feel cheated. Na naisahan ako. Nanakawan.

But now, wala na. Talo na ako. I'm a loser. But a graceful one. Content and at peace. Because of life's unexpected events, I've changed. I've become indifferent. I feel that these people do not deserve anything from me. Not even my anger or disappointment.

Maybe that's why I've recovered much faster than I expected. I didn't want to be one of them. Most especially her. I don't want to be selfish, aloof, or inconsiderate. I don't play with people, or their emotions. I don't mislead them. I don't enjoy leaving them hanging and making them look like fools.

I am sensitive, generous, and honest. Too sensitive, too generous, and too honest at times. They're both an asset and an illness. But I never say sorry for being like this, for having so much love and depth in me. It's what makes me, me. Kung may ipagyayabang man ako, eto yun. Hindi ang pangalan ko. Hindi ang posisyon ko. Hindi ang mga talento ko.

I am me in my own way, in my own right. Madami akong hindi alam. I'm a failure at street-smarts and directions. I'm not an expert in commuting. I don't know how to drive. Hanggang tresera lang around the village. I don't play any musical instrument. I'm not part of any band. My hair, I have difficulty growing. Hindi ako astig. Boring ako. Make me choose between a Rihanna concert or a Disney musical, you'll know what I'll choose. Hindi ako bato. Hindi ako siga. I still cry even if I've watched One More Chance or Miss You Like Crazy for the 20th time. Baduy ako. Hindi ako maporma. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I can't stand super loud music. Pati tsokolate at kape, bawal sa akin.

But my stubborn resolve to stay true to myself is something that I'm proud of. Mababaw lang kaligayahan ko. Konting ice cream, kwentuhan, masaya na ako. My appetite is highly unpredictable. I sleep with my mouth open, tulo laway. But I know how to forgive. I know how to appreciate. I am affectionate, malambing. I am concerned. I try to understand people. I make excuses for them when they hurt me. I accept them for who they are.

Kasi hindi mo kailangang maging ibang tao para lang tanggapin ka. That's the worst kind of prison. The second worst kind of prison is waiting - waiting for nothing, and being in denial of it.

So sino nga ba naman ako? Who am I to speak about life with such certainty? I am but a loser. Wala akong maipagmamalaki. I am a nobody.

I have nothing but the heart that I carry and the experiences that I learn from. But I think that's more than enough.

Iyem Ellew Seddi

2011-11-16T19:17:00.000+08:00

I have gotten so used to smiling, I don't even recognize when they're for real or not. It saves me from explaining. It also sees who actually care enough to ask, "you sure you're okay?". Which in most cases, does not happen anyway. But naging bato na rin ata ako. Naging manhid. Nasanay na rin kahit papano.

Ayoko nang maging emo. Pero masama bang aminin sa sarili na malungkot ka, na hindi ka superwoman, na nahihirapan ka?

Sometimes, all you want to do is forget. All you want to have is someone who will make things work, someone who will kiss you and hug you and make all the pain go away. Someone who will make you believe in love again.

Because right now, even the man I used to call the love of my life, I sometimes do not recognize anymore. And no matter how hard I try to bring back yesterday, I end up frustrated and miserable because it seems that he is determined to give us both a hard time.

Magmamahal pa kaya ako? What is love anyway? It sounds foreign to me already. But ask me what loss is and I can show you. It's what happens every night, before I sleep. It's the huge empty abyss of nothing that replaced all the life and happiness there could be. It's the disbelief that a friend has gone to a better place. And has left me here to fend for myself, and to fight the monsters under my bed. And loss is the very thing that keeps reminding me to patiently wait.

Because someday, somehow, I will smile again. By then, it'll be genuine wood. And not fake plastic.